IMAGINARY JOURNEY

Standing admist a million puzzle pieces.

2008-08-12T17:16:00.006-04:00

Do you ever take a look at your life and say... "WHAT THE FUCK?" Yeah. That would be where I am right now. Life seems like a puzzle with missing pieces. All I have finished are the straight edges and maybe a corner or two. The rest is blank...empty. The pieces are spread all over the floor, and I'm standing in the center of the mess wondering what happened. Well, what happened is that I got so over zealous with the puzzle that I managed to dump the entire box full of pieces off of the edge of the table. And now, here I am in the middle of this puzzle not knowing what goes where or if I even have that piece of the puzzle figured out yet. Who knew life would be this complicated?

I make life more complicated that what it is. I am a guilty soul. I've been like that pretty much my entire life. Things, people, places - they all can't be simple. They all have to be complicated with more turns, curves, and corners. In reality, though, those things, people, and places are straight stretches of highway. I can't be a mere passer-by. I have to be involved. Sometimes, I become too involved for my own good.

So, what happens when you're "too involved"? Well, you stand in the middle of a floor covered in puzzle pieces and wonder how it all happened. It's then that you realize you made this mess, and now you're the only one responsible for cleaning it up. But, when it's cleaned up, do you realize your lesson or do you make the same mistake over and over again? I've come to realize that I tend to fall back into making the same mistakes. They aren't always as severe, but - nonetheless - I still make that mistake. Now, it's time to break the cycle. I need to make the chance and stop making these mistakes. I need to fix my own problems and deal with the consequences of what has happened. It's time to leave the past in the past and let it all go.

Is it really that easy?

I don't know. I can't remember the last time I remember being happy with the way I was. My actions, emotions, and words have all become this stand-off between me and the world. I feel the need to protect myself so much that I become a paranoid hypocrite. Paranoid is no way to live your life in this day and age. Trust me, I know a few people who are, let's say, a bit psychotic. They're more miserable than me. Their lives are full of this constant worry that this...awful terrible thing is going to happen. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. What's the point in worrying about all of that? Sure, it's okay to be prepared, but when prepared turns into paranoia, maybe it's time to re-evaluate yourself.

Re-evaluating your life is not an easy thing to do. It seems that I am re-evaluating everything I've ever done in my life. It would be more beneficial for me to leave it all in the past and move on. Leave what's gone alone, and prepare for the next big thing. But, what I want is from my past...That in itself is a whole other issue I do not want to get into right now.

Recently, I've been thinking about what I really want to happen in my future. What do I want out of life? Well, it's easy. I want security, love, and laughs. I want to live life to the fullest, love everyone as much as I possibly can, and laugh at everything that doesn't make me cry. How is that possible though? Wouldn't one think that living life that way would be living many lives at once? The answer is family. I want a family of my own. I want that husband, those two children, and that annoying dog. I want the silly little house in the middle of nowhere full of living, laughing, and loving. I want to know that I need not worry. I want to know that my life is secure. So, basically, I want the same old thing every other twenty something wants - the American dream. It may be a lame dream, want, or wish, but I'm a lame person.

All in all, I want to be happy and secure in my life. I don't want to move, argue, or fear losing my greatest achievements. I just want to....

Love. Live. Laugh.

Dream a little dream

2008-08-09T19:08:00.003-04:00

As I sit here holding in tears, trying not to blame myself, and fearing the unknown, all I can think about is how big of a screw-up I am. How is it possible that I cannot do one simple thing - like breathing - correctly? Breathing comes naturally to most. To me, it is as though it's a task. I find myself wanting to not breathe - to lose that simple inhale and exhale of oxygen so that I cannot be considered in this world. I would give up my life for someone else... In reality, though, I would be giving up my life for myself. This simple task does not come simple to me. Breathing takes effort. Effort takes confidence. Confidence takes spirit. Spirit takes passion. And I have lost all the passion in life.

There used to be those days that I knew I was going to make it. I knew that later in my life would be full of cheer, happiness, smiles, and love. My dreams were bigger than me. There were so many dreams I wanted to complete. Maybe my dreams weren't normal. I am not a normal person. I never have been. I didn't dream of graduating college. I didn't dream of becoming a doctor or of having a successful career. Instead, I dreamed of traveling. I imagined going to all the big cities of the world. I dreamed of seeing all the wonderous and beautiful things no one ever got to see, because I knew that I would appreciate it. I always did. I dreamed of meeting people I knew I wouldn't get the chance to meet here in good 'ol West Virginia. I dreamed of standing in front of the Pacific ocean and stripping my clothes off so that I could feel every inch of this glorious miracle against my skin. I suppose, at heart, you could call me a hippie. If you want to put a label on it, then do so. What does it matter?

I had so many more dreams that just traveling or meeting people. I wanted to work my way up from nothing. I dreamed of standing in the living room to my very first home so full of cheer, because I did it. I succeeded. Maybe, I'm one of those girls who appreciates the more simpler things in life - like the way the summer air smells, or the way a good cup of hot chocolate tastes after a day of sledding. Do you think that is what life is all about? Those "kodak moments" that seem to almost be fictional. Those moments are what my dreams are made of.

But, what happened to my dreams? Where did they end up? Is there some rotting pile of unfulfilled dreams at the south pole? Does everyone - except for a few amazing people - lose their dreams? Or is it just me? Am I just screwing up continuously? Is this some pattern that I follow day in and day out that make my dreams disappear one by one? I don't know. The only person I can blame for letting my dreams go is myself. The people closest to me - the people that I don't manage to shove away - only want to see me through until the end. They want me happy. They want me to have everything that I've ever wanted. They want to watch me succeed. So, what's my problem? Is it fear? Or is it quite possibly just me?

My problem is this constant need for some type of affection. I rely on others to show me how good of a person I am. In all reality, their opinions should be the least of my worries. I crave this loving affection. I crave it like a crackhead needs their next fix. Once I find my fix, I keep hitting it, using it, tasting it until I've gotten every last bit of it out. It's then that I lose it. I lose my fix. I still need it. I still want it, but it's no longer there. And when it's no longer there, I chase it. I run after it like a child chasing their favorite toy that is about the be thrown away. When do you say enough is enough? I've made enough of a fool of myself. I've drained my dreams. I've used every last drop of my herion. Why do I constantly try to get something from the needle when I know it is all gone?

Well, enough is enough already. I've used my last drop of herion. I drained my last dream. It's time to let go and find something new. I need to find that dream inside of me that will never disappear. I need to find that flame of passion that will never burn out. It's time to stop trying to get affection. Affection only ends up hurting you and leaving you with an unfulfilled want. So, I'm stopping. I'm letting go. I'm finding a new dream. I'm finding my new passion. Only losers give up. Only emotional nitwits give up on their lives, because they can't follow their dreams. All you need to do is redirect your dream. Redirect those wants and needs to something new, something fresh, something...that won't cause you all the pain and strife.

Maybe I won't get to stand in front of the Pacific ocean and feel the water on my naked skin. But, maybe I will feel the ocean - just not in the way I want to. Maybe I won't get to meet all these people who seem so amazing. Maybe their not really all that amazing anyway. Maybe all the people I will get to meet are going to be ten times more amazing than the ones I dream about. And maybe, my life will be even more powerful and moving than I want it to be. Maybe, my story is only beginning. My life up until now has only been the first chapter in a novel about a wonderous beautiful girl and her journeythrough this illusion of life. There will be many turns, ups and downs, and many broken dreams, but...perhaps giving up in face of adversity isn't exactly her cup of tea. Maybe, this weird little girl from West Virginia will surrmount her expectations and come out on top of the world with a smile as large as the grand canyon. Or maybe, this is just what I needed to hear today...Who knows?

Introduction to my life...

2008-07-29T20:23:00.006-04:00

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -Mark Twain

Is life really that easy? By simply "throwing off bowlines" or "sailing away from the safe harbor", I can live my life to the fullest. It can't be that easy. It simply can't. At least, that's what I keep telling myself for comforting purposes. Because in all reality, I have a fear of being that person Mark Twain speaks of. When I'm on my death bed, I don't want to look back and wish I had done more. What ever happened to life being about quality and not quantity? I wonder if it's always been this way?

I'm not sure either way. All I know is that I'm in a transition. It's that cliche transition of becoming a woman - not in the way that every teen girl becomes a woman. I'm speaking of actually becoming a strong, confident, and independent woman. For every person, it is different and they experience their lives differently. I suppose it's all about timing. But, what is time?

Time is a watch. Time is the clock on the kitchen wall. Time is that 3 to 4 digit number you're so constantly worried about. It's a man-made illusion. Time is something that which we follow, because we are told to do so. Time...is there ever an end to it?

No. Man will always follow time, because it gives structure to our day to day lives. It gives us something to look forward to or regret. Time gives every person in the world one thing in common. Doesn't it seem funny that we , as humans, dictate our lives to an imaginary vision of a ticking clock? We essentially let it run our lives. If you wake up late, then through the rest of the day, you will be late, tired, or look awful because you skipped out on the eyelash curling for that extra minute of time.

So, if we as a race, stop running our lives off of time - how would we know we're on schedule? That's just it. You run your own schedule. Your life is your life. Who is to say that figuring out who you are at 25 instead of 20 is such a bad thing? No one. If you had the oppurtunity and you let it pass you by, then blame yourself. However, if you take it and run, then you're well on your way to finding what you need in life.

But what is it that you need? That seems to be the age old question. Everyone's needs are different, so...find what you need. Figure it out in the way you see fit. Find your happiness, your comfort zone, or your passion. Go out there and get it. Find it. Take it. Keep it.